Cloudy Thoughts on a Snowy Day

The sirens grow louder as my fingers twiddle the edge of the blanket on my lap, curling to bring it in closer. The ringing fades, and it’s back to the same peaceful quiet of before. I gently release the breath of tension that’s been stuck in my throat. I breathe it right back in. Repeat. Snow swirls outside my window, daring me to be as free. Oh, what I wouldn’t give.

Weeks that turned into a month, months that add up to nearly a year, I have sat and watched through my window as nature carries on and the world continues spinning. I am not alone — in this feeling or this apartment — yet the feeling of isolation is inescapable. I muse on how much can change and yet how I can still be me. Even in this new circumstance, new partnership, and even through the immense growth I’ve been so proud of, that girl of last year is still there. She’s lonely and afraid, but really good at hiding it. She’s ambitious and perseverant, yet somehow aimless. When she keeps her head down, works hard, and socializes, she’s on top of the world; but, when she sits by herself and examines her life, she can’t help but sink into the fears and doubts she’d been able to forget.

A new day and a change in scenery (though from the same chair) allow for a clean slate. Today, I can write a new to-do list, start a new project, and let go of yesterday. But, careful — better not look too closely at the whys.